3. Seek common ground
In almost any conflict, the opposing parties will have some common values (like integrity, fairness, or helping people realize their potential) and some differences in what those values mean or their relative importance. Even when our top values conflict, we can find small, practical problems to solve as a start. A labor-management negotiation started with agreement on upgrading toilet facilities—building skills and trust to take on bigger differences. Starting with low-hanging fruit helps build trust and hope. (See Arthur Brooks’ book Love Your Enemy: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt.)
4. Listen to understand
Often conflict comes from not understanding the other person’s point of view or narrative. In one conflict about which of two plants to close, each side was asked to describe the other’s viewpoint as accurately as possible. Only when each side did this to the other’s satisfaction did they succeed in moving forward. Listening to understand requires respect of another’s position and replacing the deadly horsemen of relationships—contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling—with being calm, clear, curious, and compassionate. (See John M. Gottman’s work The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.)
5. Care about the other person
We are often asked, “How can I get along with this boss (or peer) I don’t agree with?” We start by encouraging the asker to consider, “What is the most benevolent explanation you can think of for the person’s behavior? When we pause to try to understand others, we more readily care about their feelings and want to support their success. And when they feel supported and cared about, they are more likely to be calm and listen in turn. Asking “How can I help you reach your goals?” communicates caring.
6. Run into problems at the appropriate time
Sometimes we need to take a step back, ponder options, put the conflict into context, think about what we really feel and want, or simply focus on more pressing priorities before tackling a serious problem. A husband and wife we know signal each other to “gear up” for an important conversation by asking kindly, “How open-minded are you feeling?” How might you signal to others on your team that you need to bring up something challenging or that you need a break from a tense conversation to calm down?
7. Apologize and forgive
In virtually any conflict, each side has valid grievances, and each side has made mistakes. Effective apologies acknowledge the mistake, take responsibility for harm done, express empathy, and include commitments to change. Genuine forgiveness means, in the words of comedienne Lili Tomlin, “. . . giving up hope of ever having a better past.” We cannot change the past, but we can change the story we tell ourselves about how to use past lessons to create a better future. When Dave apologized to a colleague with whom he had a long-term dispute, it was a renewing moment in their relationship.
8. Use words wisely
Be aware of the impact of your words on others, both in large public settings and in more private conversations that may become public. When someone uses words to attack you, try to remember that multiplying gibes or insults never leads to creative solutions. Instead, pause. Say what you’ve heard and what it triggers in you because of what you value and need. Then make a request that would help you. For example, “When I hear you say I’m an idiot, I feel defensive and scared that we’ll never solve this problem we both really care about solving. Would you be willing to tell me one thing I could do to help us both keep trying?” (See Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.)
9. Be vulnerable and own your feelings
Many conflicts trigger internal conflicts between our values and our limitations. Let’s say I want to feel charitable but I also feel overloaded by others’ needs. (“I’m exhausted . . . but I really do want to help. . . . Maybe I’m not doing my share. . . . But I can’t keep this up without resentment.) Acknowledging our feelings with self-compassion (“I really want to help, and I’m running out of steam.”) may make us feel vulnerable, but seeing our limitations and imperfections with compassion helps us feel more compassion for others as well. Curiously, compassion helps us and others change more deeply and more quickly than shame (See Kristin Neff’s Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.)'
10. Celebrate progress
We seek dramatic results in conflict, but success often happens one small, simple step at a time. “We have worked through a, b, and c, and that feels great! We did it! Pizza on me, and then let’s think about what’s next.” Resolving conflict is about a creative journey, not crossing a finish line.
While we observe global and national conflicts with increasing malaise and despair, we deeply trust that the skills of being a peacemaker can turn personal conflicts into opportunities for progress. The more we learn and practice peaceful skills in our personal spheres, the more we build peace in the world that starts small and ripples forth.
